Sunday, July 22, 2012

BICYCLE "SHORTS"


VIENTIANE, LAOS
Yeah. It's another "sketchy" rental. At least this one has gears (4 of 'em!).
HERE is a friendly recommendation for anyone traveling anywhere:
RENT
A
BICYCLE
Renting a bicycle serves many purposes:
FIRST and foremost: Any traveler that is, or has been gone for any length of time is in danger of becoming, or has already become, a slovenly, formless, outta-shape slug....

Yeah, I really don't care that you made that "super strenuous" gut bustin' 2K hike up that 'long' mountain passage/stairway, etc. Sorry - it ain't making up for the two days that you spent eating blueberry muffins and chocolate cake while downing Grande Lattes at whatever Starbuck-like chain they are pushing in whatever country you might find yourself in.
Biking will GET YOUR SLOVENLY ASS BACK IN SHAPE! It is healthy; it saves precious fossil fuels to be wasted by the other slugs and it will kick your lethargic ass back into high gear. It is also a great way to cover a lot of ground and see more stuff wherever you may find yourself.
Plus, it is a great way to connect to the natives - up close and personal - as you are not separated, - hidden away by safety-glass and steel.
ALSO, it sends valuable messages to locals.
It says, either:
A) I am too poor to afford "motorized" transportation like the rest of my countrymen (which will immediately remove you as a target for whatever useless product that they might be hawking)
AND/OR:
B) I am one of the good Westerners. One of the westerners that cares about environmental issues and worldly concerns (which will quickly earn not only their scorn for wasting all the precious opportunities granted to you, but also their laughter and pity for the same reason).
On a serious note: I can honestly say that the bikes that I have rented in my travels have been the catalyst for some of my most memorable experiences to date....


VANG VIENG, LAOS

Sweet little Lao children on their way home from school. If you look carefully in the background you can see some of the older kids riding their bikes back to their far-off villages. I hung out with these little guys here for a minute or two, sloshed back some kind of nameless "orange-flavored" drink and then did what any red-blooded, mid-forties American male would do in such a situation: I chased down the older kids on my rented TREK 3900 and went Lance Armstrong on their asses! One after another I picked them off like it was the Tour de France and I was wearing the Yellow Jersey. A couple of the spunkier kids gave me a run-for-my-money but I dropped them like flies when
we hit the big hill. U.S.A! U.S.A!

LUANG PRABANG, LAOS
I took a long ride on my ancient bicycle far from the main part of the city.
Many kilometers from town I saw a sign that read, "Tat Sae Waterfall".
It sounded like a destination, so I went....
And went.
And went....
And went still more....
Assured that the waterfall was just around the corner by a kind man and his wife that I met along the side of the road, I went further still....
Now, under normal circumstances this would certainly be no reason for concern. In fact, I, more than likely,  would welcome the extended journey.
By normal circumstances, I mean a decent, "rideable" bicycle.
With gears.
And brakes.
And pedals that aren't bent at strange, awkward angles .
And a seat that isn't threatening the possibility of future children with every bump, rock and rut on the dirt road that I suddenly found myself riding on.
Still, onward I went...
Finally, after slugging my way up one more hill, I decided it was time to turn back and look for the waterfall in a different direction....
(Side note: Usually when one battles their way up any hill, one revels in the knowledge that they will be cruising - pedal-free -down that same hill on the return journey. I know I do. And did)
However, what I was just about to learn was that this bicycle was not  really built for hills.
Or dirt roads.
ESPECIALLY hilly, dirt roads...
My arms went numb after about two minutes of the jackhammer-like vibrations being transmitted through the seemingly solid cast-iron frame...
The brakes whined, squealed and groaned with every barely-perceptible squeeze.
My hands - now dripping with sweat, were threatening to peel off the over-sized handlebars  (I now know what they do with retired "Slip-n-Slides" - they turn them into bicycle hand-grips in Laos) at any moment, given the fact that my entire upper body was paralyzed from sympathetic vibrational waves that were hammering through the very core of my musculoskeletal system - any hope of future children now totally abandoned. I was counting the seconds until I got to the bottom of the hill, hoping - praying that there actually might be another hill around the corner that I could battle my way back up ...
Out of necessity, I decided to take a short break to allow the circulation to return to my genitals. (Yeah, I was never quite sure if I actually wanted to father children but, at the very least,  I decided that I would like to be the one to make that decision instead of placing it in the hands of some cheap-Chinese bike manufacturer). I stopped at what appeared to be some kind of little make-shift convenience store/snack stand along the side of the road (even after purchasing and consuming several Orange "juices", I gotta say that I am not entirely convinced that it was...) run by a nice woman and her sweet little daughter deep in a little random village along the road. They convinced and assured me (with giggles) that I was nowhere NEAR any waterfall whatsoever. Beautiful simple moments....

CHIANG MAI, THAILAND
I had my first bike wreck today in Chiang Mai - no big deal, just a little road rash.
Two very kind, concerned security guards (I went down right in front of a hotel) came rushing to my aid.
One guy walked me over to an outdoor fountain at the hotel and pointed out all the places that I was bleeding so that I could wash them in the fountain.
"Hob-tal? Hob-tal?", he asked over and over, pointing to a real "bleeder"-of-a-wound around my right knee. When I assured him that I did not, in fact, need a "hospital" he went and checked my bike to make sure that it was okay.
The other guy went over to the spot where I went down and did that thing for me....
You know, that THING...
That thing that we normally do for ourselves anytime we trip or fall (or crash on our bikes) in front of others.
That 'thing' where we walk back to the spot, to see (or pretend to see, anyway) the cause of the accident and give the obligatory scowl and "point" to warn others of the impending doom looming should they dare choose the same path. Since I was incapacitated at the moment he was kind enough to do it for me. He walked over, said something to the other guy in Thai as he frowned and shook his head disapprovingly at the rut in the road that he was sure was the cause of my accident.
The Thai people can be so unbelievably kind....

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